kippurcritiquesbadbooks | Entries tagged with the fifth sorceress

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Now, these are going to be weird because there's not chapter breaks, just parts, so I'm going to try and break at what seems like a reasonable interval.

We begin in the Kingdom of Eutracia 327 years later. From such a odd number, I'm guessing that the Hero was born 27 years ago and that the prophecy deals with some born three hundred years after the exile and etc. We shall have to see if I'm right nor not.

And then I wanted to throw the book into the litter box (but that would have been cruel to the cat).

Tbe Tome shall be read first by a seed of the victors who, years later, shall become the sworn enemy of those same victorious ones. The sire of this seed shall, having abandoned the victor's cause, live as an outcast. The six of the craft who remain shall select one from their midst to lead them in peace for sixteen score and seven years, choosing in turn, many who shall wear the stone. From the seed of the one of the those who wear the stone shall come the Chosen One, first proceeded by another.

The azure light that accompanies the births of the Chosen Ones shall be the proof of the quality of their blood.

~Page 478 Chapter One of the Vigors of the Tome.

First of all. I was right. Sixteen score plus seven is 327. Thus it means that it's time for the Chosen One to Appear. Second. CHOSEN ONE!! It actually says CHOSEN ONE! How much more cliched can you get than with Chosen One. And not just chosen one, but Chosen One, note the capitals thank you very much. And they're twins. Note that the chosen one is first proceeded by another one and not only that! But you know they're the chosen one because there is going to be some Special Effects that announces their Chosen Status. And they aren't going to be a Chosen One because of anything they're going to accomplish, but because they were born Just That Special. So that means anything they do is going to be right because they're the Chosen One and they were born that way so they automatically will succeed. Because they're the Chosen One. If they weren't meant to be succeed then they wouldn't be the Chosen One.

Now, see, in Harry Potter we had a Chosen One, but we didn't know about it until Book Five when Harry found the prophecy for Voldemort. Until the we only knew he was getting through things through luck and skill. And even then it doesn't call Harry the Chosen One, it just says that he has the power to do it, not that he'll actually be able to do it.

Not only that but there are two chosen ones. I mean Chosen Ones. How can you have Two Chosen Ones? Shouldn't it be Chosen Two? It's like all those Mary Sue stories where the Sue is the Chosen one too. One implies that there can be only one individual or thing, two is not one. I may have issues with math, but even I know that 2=/=1

And that is why I wanted to throw the book into the litter box.

Moving on.

We meet He. He is alone in the Hartwick woods throwing knives and trying to get some succession oath out of his head. He knows that he'll always hit his mark when he throws his knives, because He is just that good. He has longish black hair. He is wearing black leather. He suddenly vanishes.

A Prince Tristan of the First of the House of Galland, heir apparent to his father, King Nicholas the First of the kingdom of Eutracia appears in He's place. I miss He. He seemed much more interesting. Tristan appears to be thinking about the same exact things He was thinking a page ago. In fact the first page could have been cut and started with Tristain. Again, we have this order of information problem. I'm not sure what Newcomb is trying to do with withholding the main character's name. It doesn't add anything to it. Instead it just confuses the reader when the name shows up. Again we need to know who we're dealing with so we can connect with the character. "He" is just an abstract concept. "He" could be anything. Prince Tristan is a someone.

Tristan is a sad, sad man. See he has to take the throne when he's thirty and required to produce an heir. But he doesn't have a wife or sons. And he doesn't want to be king. Isn't that horrible? Don't you just feel for this poor guy who doesn't want to take the responsibility of helping his people as their ruler? This thirty year old man is acting like he's nineteen. I could understand this attitude if he was nineteen, being king is a scary prospect for a nineteen year old. But at thirty? He's a full grown adult. He should be more than ready for this responsibility that he was trained for his entire life. The fact that he doesn't want to do it, makes him look like a selfish prick. I have absolutely no sympathy for him. Call the wambulance, he doesn't want to be responsible.

He muses for a minute on the landscape and then the fact that he has to go and eat dinner with his family. His parents, his TWIN SISTER and his brother and law. They'll be mad at him for not being around... so... he's going to skip out on them.... yes. But did you notice the TWIN sister. And the Chosen One is born after the Chosen One. Could this be him then?! I don't know! I must read to find out!

Then we get that lovely bit about his knife throwing that I mentioned earlier. About how knife throwing is all his and how awesome he is because he knows how to do it and no one knows this. It's his own little precious secret that he keeps in a box next to his porn.

Speaking of porn, it's interesting that he's not using a sword like traditional Fantasy Heroes. His phallic object is much smaller than normal and one that he keeps on throwing away. Since this book has such a sexist tone to it, one has to wonder has to wonder what this mean. Perhpaps he's not as manly as we think he is, which is why he won't be foiled by the sex sorceresses charms? Something to keep in mind.

And I'm going to stop now before the info dump of doom. It'll take me a while to sort through that one.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Personally, I find it amusing when someone states a bit of wisdom that they promptly ignore. In this case it's Robert Newcomb author of our latest book The Fifth Sorceress. In the beginning, of his book he has one of those little pieces of "history" a piece of a document that that's from the world we're about to venture into. In this case the document says:

To ignore the past is to solicit disrespect.
To ignore the present is to invite laziness.
To ignore the future is to beg disaster.
~Eutracian Proverb

Newcomb ignored the past by not paying attention to what makes a good fantasy story, he ignored the present by making it cliche, and he ignored the future because I'm taking it apart. >:D

We are given a map. It has some ominous things like "the Vale of Torment" and "the Ghetto of the Shunned" and the "Dark Lagoon". There's a perfectly square bit of grassy land called the Heart Square which seems to be utterly odd because it's in the middle of nowhere. Hopefully it'll be explained in the book.

Finally we delve into the prologue.

We begin on the ocean on a war galleon named Resolve. The galleon is listing horribly and it looks like she's taking on water. The rain is so bad that the lanterns aren't working so they switch to torches. The (one would hope) enclosed lanterns aren't working so they've switched to exposed torches. Yes. Exactly how would these torches stand a better chance, I'm not really sure. Then we get an order of information problem. Suddenly there is an old wizard.

"The old wizard in the rain-soaked gray robe was named Wigg"

No where in the previous paragraph was there mention of any man. It's like a sentence had been cut before this one. A better way to have introduced Wigg would be "Standing on the stern an old wizard, named Wigg, looked out over the Galleon, rain soaking his gray robes." Thus we KNOW there's a person there before we are introduced to him. Wigg, as Newcomb has written him, just pops out of nowhere. If anything, it would have been better if Wigg was the one doing the observation in the first paragraph. In my writing group, one of the people says, chapters should begin with a "Character in a setting with a problem." This is, I think, a sound piece of advice.

Wigg (who keeps on reminding me of an earwig) continues his ship contemplation(Which really ... I dunno much about ships but three masts are broken and laying about at different angles because apparently no one has cut them loose...) and we learn that the broken ship is towing a smaller ship.

The old one -Earwig- apparently is having the Galleon's crew discharge some sort of duty in I think in regards to prisoners. The captain of the guard is reluctant to do so and wonders if they've been sufficiently weakened. There's a POV shit here for a brief moment as we go into the captain's POV away from Earwig. Earwig is very worried about what he's going to do to the prisoners, but we don't know WHO they are. He doesn't think or say something like, "I know you're worried about the X but this is the only way" or "No longer will X amount of Z will bother us." We slowly learn that there are four of them and that they were ruthless and evil people and that they're Sorceresses of the Coven.

They're evil magic users so of course they use a pentacle as their sign. Because everyone knows that the pentacle is EVIL. (Unless you're Dan Brown. >.> ) Earwig starts to wonder if he'll have to control the men so they don't jump the four women. Apparently, so it's implied, that the women can make all horny. Personally I don't see how this is anything special. I mean if I was a sailor on a ship in the middle of butfucknowhere and there's a damn hot woman in front of me I'd be all aroused. But I digress.

The four women have been practically starved for 15 days and yet they are still exquisitely beautiful and shapely. Yup, curves in all the right places. Earwig feels sorry for the women -despite the fact that they are EVIL. Blah blah, the women are sexy despite being starved, Earwig starts to get horny, the leader of the women makes a Dire Proclamation. "Your Brothers all think you have won... tell me, Wizard, are you yourself so sure?" This shakes poor Earwig, because he obviously has no confidence in what he's doing.

And then the Government apparently makes a Stupid Mistake. These four women have caused so much damage that it'll take generations to heal, but instead of killing them they're EXILING THEM! And of course that means that they'll have time to lay in wait and do their evil plans and then come back because they are EVIL and won't just go, "Oh hay, I'm exiled, that means I can't go back, lah-didity dah." They are EVIL. They have killed Thousands of people (at least) they've caused untold damage and they're letting them LIVE so that they can come BACK later and take REVENGE!! Just KILL THEM ALREADY AND SAVE YOURSELF THE TROUBLE LATER!!! Wait... but then there wouldn't be a story. Right. Damn. My bad. Carry on. Don't mind my logic.

We then get another Dire Proclamation, "That oath will one day be your undoing".

And then, apparently the government has given them women food... which will make them stronger which means that they'll be able to come back. And the woman tells him that. Earwig is shaken by this obvious statement.

After the women are put on the smaller boat, the captain of the guard comes up and says, "We think you should have killed them. They were horrible and Evil." This is after the text says, "After what seemed an eternity to the young soldier, the wizard named Wigg finally took a deep breath..." We already KNOW that the wizard is named Wigg! You don't need to tell us again.

Then Earwig gives the guard a reverse "As you Know Bob" it's the "As you don't know Bob but now I'm free to tell you." Apparently the government weaken the women so that they could stand trial, but they decided that the women were so weak that execution "would be tantamount to murder" and they are forbidden to murder anyone. Because executing someone who is healthy is not murder. Yes. So instead they've weakened the women, dropped them on a boat with low supplies and left them off in the middle of the ocean where they'll face certain death.

But this is not murder.

Just because you don't pull the trigger doesn't mean it's not murder.

But I'm sure it comforts them at night.

Earwig does some more magic to insure that they'll be unable to return without dying (which is still not murder).

We have another Dire Proclamation: "I will live to see you dead. Someday you will pay. You all will pay, including any inferior male offspring you may spawn."

Here we have the first indications of the sexism that will surely follow in the book. We don't know why they think that men are inferior, They Just Are. It would be nice for Newcomb to give us a reason for them to think that because otherwise it feels similar to They're Just That Special. This is sloppy and lazy. If you're going to give such a significant ideology, there should be SOME hint as to why it exists. Even if you don't explain it all the way. There just should be some hint.

Finally we learn that GASP they are not the last of their kind, but one more of them exists secretly in hiding. GASP!! Could she be the one who causes all the Evil that will Trouble Our Hero!? I don't know! I must read to find out! /sarcasm.

So, eleven pages in, we've had three Dire Proclamations, one case of Curves In All The Right Places, one Case of Random Sexism and a case of You Know They're Evil Because They have A Traditionally Evil Symbol On Them.

This is going to be FUN! =D

kippurbird.livejournal.com

We left our gazing out like a stone... sorry. He's looking out at the majestic landscape when his horse tries to kill him. I mean playfully nudges him off a cliff. When the Loyal Animal Companion is trying to off the Hero, you know we're going to have issues. Especially in the first twenty five pages. However the Hero is of course, not dead. If he was, the book would be a lot shorter than it is. We get a scene of a tender moment between man and horse instead. The horse's name is Pilgrim and a stallion who Tristan has trained to follow him around like a dog. "Pilgrim never went far, and had been trained from a colt to always return at Tristan's first whistle." At his second whistle he'd lay down and play dead. Third, have tea with the neighbors. Pilgrim is also a freak of nature having "long uniform teeth". Having looked into a horse's mouth I can tell you that they are not uniform. The front ones are made for grabbing and the back are made for grinding. If the horse's teeth were uniform then the horse is going to have serious problems.

But that's just me you know... actually knowing about horses...

And then... he plays fetch with the horse. No. I'm fucking serious. He plays fetch with the horse.

Retrieving yet another carrot from the bag, Tristan slowly drew it before Pilgrim's nostrils and then promptly threw it to the other side of the clearing. He smiled as the stallion ran off after it anxiously, his head and tail held high.

A horse is not a dog. A horse doesn't act like a dog. A horse, if you put a carrot near its mouth will bite the carrot and your hand too if it happens to be in the way. It does not play fetch. I could go on about this a bit more, but it would just be me frothing at the mouth which really isn't very intelligible.

He thinks about Earwig, his mentor. The old fart is apparently still alive. And apparently there are five others who are still alive (They're the ones that sentenced the evil women to Exile) and how the six of them had chosen someone with "endowed blood". Yes, that is the actual phrase. Yes, he meant it in utter seriousness. Yes, I laughed hysterically for five minutes after reading that. And apparently if a king doesn't have any sons then the six wizards pick another endowed citizen.

I'm sorry. I don't know if I can read this with a straight face any more. Okay. Moving on.

Apparently when a King abdicates he has the choice of joining the six wizards and being immortal or dying. No one has done it until Triscuit's dad decided to do it. AND Triscuit's dad also preannounce that that Triscuit will also join him.

How do you preannounce something? Is that when you get up and say, "I'm going to announce something!" Which is an announcement in itself... so would you need to preannouce the preannoucemnet? I mean, isn't it strange that daddy will pronounce sorry preannounce the fact that Triscuit is going to join the special Wizarding Circle? And for some reason, Triscuit is unable to say "No." Well, I imagine as a child he couldn't but when he becomes king there's no reason why he can't. And apparently the preannouncement was made at Triscuits birth... but no one will tell him why... OOoOOooOOooo.... Could it be that he's the Chosen One?! And now he gets to look forward to Uber Magical Powers and Immortality. This is going to be his reward and he HASN'T DONE ANYTHING FOR IT YET!!!1!! He's just getting it handed to him on a silver platter and he's sulky about it.

Finally we learn that while the Prince has had many romantic dalliances he's never fallen in love.

Sadly, it was just that no woman had ever really made him ache in her absence to the point of distraction, or hunger in her presence to the point of pain. Deeper, in his heart of hearts, he truly hoped one day it would be different.

He's thirty fucking years old! He should realize by now that he's not supposed to marry for love but to pop out children. If he's lucky he'll get a pretty girl, if he's not well... tough shit. Also, heart of hearts? Is he a Time Lord or something? That sounds like it got pulled from the deepest Romance Novel.

"My heart of hearts beats for you and only you," Goldie Purdue sighed, her hand resting on her heaving bussom, her deep violet eyes flashing in lusty passion.

Faichee McLauglin took her other hands and placed it on his broad and strong chest so that she could feel the firm and steady beat of his heart, "My heart beats in time with your heart and together they will always beat in time."

Some more drivel and then we get hit by the anvil of badly done foreshadowing.

Therefore, by tradition, the Royal Guard stood vigilantly at the ready to defend the realm against any potential threat, training relentlessly toward that end. But Tristan was sure that during his reign, as had been for so long now, he would never have to call upon them for any reason.

Especially in defense of the realm.

Gee. I wonder if Tristan will need to call upon the Royal Guard to defend the Realm. No. I don't think so. After all there's been peace for so long. Please.

To all future writers. This is the equivalent of saying, "Well, at least things are going well," while playing a D&D game. It's an open invitation for the DM to smite your ass silly with an Ancient Red Dragon. Everyone knows you don't say that unless you're stupid and want to die.
It's just bad writing. You might as well put out a giant banner that says, "Eat me. I'm a virgin." while bathing in BBQ sauce.

After this, he muses about how when he becomes king he's going to need to get a haircut. And he's depressed because he's never lived a normal life. But apparently he did excel at almost everything psychical. "Swordsmanship, archery, dagger use, horsemanship, hand to hand combat, and survival skills among many other things." But he sucks at the girly stuff and politics. OH! he has a FLAW! He's not a Stu after all!

Blah, blah, Triscuit sees magical rainbow butterflies. No. He does. And they can only be seen by someone with magical abilities. He's smoking pot people. He's smoking pot! And then Pilgrim, his dog, comes to play with the magical butterflies. (I refuse to call the animal a horse any more. Horses do not frolic with butterflies) And then the Dog runs off. Triscuit is frighteningly worried about his horse because the animal might trip and fall and there'd be no humane way of killing it (why not just throw a dagger through its skull and kill it dead like he did the boar?) Blah, blah, he runs. And then! He finds a mysterious clearing that described for two pages and there are many more magical butterflies. And he's so special because the magic butterflies aren't flying away from him.

He finds that they're hanging out on a stone wall, which then collapses on him suddenly and sends him hurling into a dark pit of despair.

Oh. and hay... there's an actual chapter break! YAY! I'm stopping now.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

To counter act the effects of this book, I bought Black Powder War. Novik's series is growing on me, which is always nice.

Chapter two is about fifty pages long. I am not doing the fifty pages in one sitting.

Here we meet Triscuit's twin sister Shailiha who is riding with Earwig (it takes us a page and a quarter to learn that's who she's riding with. Newcomb apparently has issues with naming people. Earwig contenplates about how Shailiha shouldn't be out riding because she's five months pregnant. He does it as a "As you know Bob."

"I needn't remind you that you are in the fifth moon of your pregnancy"

As you know Bob such statements are called obvious info-dumping when the author wants to give the reader certain information but doesn't know how to do it, so he puts it in dialog as two characters talk to each other filling each other in with information they already know. Also notice the use of the word "moon" this is Newcomb making it seem like it's really a different woooorld. Look. See! It's moon! Not month! They're different! Even Tolkien used the word month. There's nothing wrong with the word month. Using moon just makes you look silly.

As you know Bob Shailiha and Earwig are riding out to find the missing prince Triscuit. There's an odd POV shift where it goes from Earwig to Shailiha who starts musing about how Earwig used to be handsome.

She looked over to her right, at the old wizard's craggy profile. Over three hundred years old, he was still one of the most powerful men in the kingdom. The tan, creased face held a thin mouth and under arched brows were bright aquamarine eyes that never missed a thing. His gray hair, pulled back from a widow's peak ended in the traditional Directorate wizard's tail of braided hair that fell down his back. Simple gray robes draped loosely over his still-muscular body, and the hands that held his horse's reins were large and strong. It suddenly occurred to her that when he was young - before the application of the time enchantments - he probably would have been one of the most handsome men she had ever seen, almost as handsome as Tristan.

Two things. First I think someone is in love with their wizard. Second off... anyone else getting incesty vibes off the sister? Or is it just me? What sort of book is this when even the guy's twin sister wants to jump him? I mean really is the author trying to prove how manly this guy is that even his family wants to have sex with him? I'm not sure if that's the sort of thing I want to be reading about. ~~Though I shouldn't talk really, I have a pair of incestuous twins myself. But it's generally acknowledged that they're fucked up in the head.~~

Earwig is apparently a benevolent wizard who hangs stable boys upside down over manure piles to threaten them to not tell a secret. Because, apparently ordering the kid not to do it isn't good enough. I'm not really sure what sort of kingdom they're running if they have to physically threaten people not to do something. As they ride along Earwig sprinkles magical oddly colored powder as they go. Shalilllayhgha finds this curious but doesn't ask about it. I think it's like those bread crumbs Hansel and Gretal used when trying to find their way back from the woods.

Apparently sister dear is as dense as a rock because she wants to know why he's generally acting like a spoiled brat. It is, of course, because he doesn't want to be king. Sister is surprised to learn this, because she never realized that his practically saying he doesn't want to be king means that he doesn't want to be king.

Sister is stupid and clueless. Even my mom is more observant than her. Which is saying a lot.

Earwig tells her that they're tracking Triscuit through magic and that the reason why he knows that Triscuit doesn't want to be king is because Triscuit told him. He didn't use any powers of observation or anything. He only knew because Triscuit told him.

God. How dense are these people?

There's some babble about the wizard's eyes... which are blue and tend to twinkle with mischief...don't Dumbledore's eyes do that? OH NOES HE STOLE DUMBLEDORE'S EYES!! No wonder Dumbledore fell off the tower! He couldn't see where he was dying!

*coughs*

Right. Moving on.

Blah, blah, blah, infodumping while Shalilah muses about the kingdom and how wonderful it is. I skim. Sister then realizes well if Triscuit wasn't found she might be made queen. And this is a horrible fate. She uses the word "forced" in this musing. Apparently,we learn, no women have been trained in the art of magic. Since the EVIL Sorceresses were stopped. Because all women are Evil when they have Magic.

And then she cries a single tear. No. I'm not kidding. Really, she cries a fucking single tear.

"A tear began to trace a shiny path down one cheek".

Yes, ladies and gentlemen we are hitting every cliche in the book here. And we're only on page forty three! What do you think the rest of the book will have in store for us?!

Finally they reach a clearing. There's a drooling monster with misshapen male genitals. Yes. The text actually says that. Eragon much? The monster attacks Earwig who stands frozen until the last moment where he tumbles away. I have no idea why Earwig didn't shoot ugly down with magic. But instead Earwig dances and dodges while his horse bites the dust. Earwig finally kills the monster and Sister faints from all the horseflesh

When she wakes up Earwig is crying over the monster's body. Apparently the monster was a friend of his who was tortured by the Evil Sorceresses into a monster. We also learn that the Evil Sorceresses raped wizards in the hopes to breed more endowed children. *sniggers*

"Breeding. Because the union of two endowed people is the most likely to produce an endowed child, they raped teh wizards repeatedly hoping for a pregnancy that would yield a special girl child to raise as a sorceress. The male babies were simply killed outright. We never understood the importance of such a child to them. Had they not spent so much of their power and their time trying to achieve this birth, we may never have prevailed.

You know, if the men went around training the girls as well as the boys, they wouldn't have had this problem. And the reason why they wanted a girl child is because girls are better than boys according to them. Finally, if I had a bunch of potentially magical boy children I would raise them up to know how to use their powers and then be canon fodder. But that's just me.

Apparently our dead monster had his brain turned acidic when he was transformed by the Evil Sorceresses.

I'm not really sure how that one works. I mean... acid isn't very conducive to you know brain functions. And it tends to eat through things eventually.... so... um... I'm confused. Especially since the acid is so terrible if it even touches a human they die instantaneously. I think this is Newcomb's use of "It's Magic" to explain this away. Blah blah, magic happens when you kill one of the monsters because of something and something else that Earwig can't tell her because he's all secretive like that. This will become an Issue later when the hero could have been Better Prepared if he knew about it sooner.

And there's a break that should have been a chapter break, but it's not. I'm still stopping here.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Well, we've gotten a good sample of the book so far so, I think it's time for our Drinking Game!

Take a Drink

*For an "As You Know Bob"
*It takes him over a page to name a character.
*There's a mention of rape
*There's a mention of the EVIL SORCERESSES who did something EVIL
*Tristan whines about having to become king
*Pilgrim acts like a dog
*Homoerotic subtext from Tristan
*Wigg with holds necessary information because they don't need to know it yet
*Someone sheds a single tear
*The Ancient Prophecy is mentioned
*The Chosen Ones are mentioned
*Newcomb does something stupid with his text/word choice

Any other suggestions?

Also I was looking at the Five Star Reviews on Amazon. Here's a few choice ones:

Truly unique fantasy book. Finally a fantasy work that is not a Tolkien/Arthurian re-hash. Has very thought provoking dominance/submission sexual undercurrents (prudes should look elsewhere)and a fresh take on magic. The author has a true understanding of man's eternal struggle to deal with real women and their usually domineering nature

*sniggers* Man's eternal struggle to deal with real women and their usually domineering nature. I think someone has issues with women. Perhaps mother issues? Most people seem to think it's the other way around.

One of the greatest books ever written. In terms of character Newcomb's done it, he has come up with one of the best character lines up ever in a single book. Men = Good Woman = Bad is an entirely new concept that works very well. The actual plot itself is vivid, he leaves no stone unturned and keesp you wanting more. Im no speed reader but this was a page turner, finished the whole thing (what, 700 ish pages?) in around 3 days.. considering I can read a clancy novel in 2 weeks thats amazingly fast. Great book, if you have even the slightest or smallest idea of getting this book, dont let the idiots who wrote bad reviews spoil an amazing adventure, BUY THIS BOOK!

Men = good, women = bad is a new concept? Riiiiiight.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Triscuit wakes up at the bottom of a hole. I don't know how far he fell, but I'm sure he'll be fine. He worries that he might be blind, because he's in a dark hole. And he doesn't remember how he got there. Convenient that. Or at least... I'm not really sure what the point of that is. Apparently they thank the afterlife for things instead of God or gods. Thanking dead people...or thank the place that.... OHHHHH I get it. He's thanking heaven, but Newcomb is being clever and having him thank the Afterlife instead of Heaven. Ahahhaa... it is to laugh.

Okay, he fell down a deep cavern and he only has some bumps and bruises. He is made of Jello our Triscuit is. Ew... Jello and Triscuits. Naaaasty. A hundred foot cavern, apparently. And he's fine. Just some bumps and bruises. Hundred foot fall. Only bumps and bruises. Jello. Or marshmallow... marshmallows are less nasty with Triscuits than Jello. He gets out of the hole by a convenient staircase. An old crumbling convenient staircase that leads back up to where Triscuit fell. Because he didn't fall down the staircase on the way down, I think it's also a magically appearing old crumbling convenient staircase.

Once on top he ties up his dorse and goes back down after making the hole bigger. There's a convenient torch at the bottom.

He loosened a few more stones and peered down again, trying to make out the same. It looked as if it was mounted on the wall near the bottom of the step.

A torch!

Carefully, slowly, he made his way back down, not knowing whether he was doing the right thing. His mind and body had certainly had enough punishment for one day, but his curiosity was overpowering him. The great rushing noise filled his ears again, hammering his senses with all its fury. It seemed always to go onward, unabated and unrelenting. And yet the sound was frustratingly familiar.

When he reached the bottom step, he could see that his discover was indeed a wall torch.

Isn't that convenient?

Next time I fall down a hole I want a convenient wall torch. Perhaps Triscuit found on some convenient cushions on the floor of the dark hole. In fact there are many convenient torches that lead down a convenient tunnel where there's a con- sorry a mysterious cavern with mysterious pants that have grown without sunlight. Somehow... his knives ended up down this mysterious tunnel far from where he fell. Apparently they walked there. There is mysterious writing on the mysterious cavern wall. And then get gets mysteriously dizzy and looks at the mysterious water that makes him mysteriously curious.

The mysterious water is red....

The mysterious water in the mysterious cavern is red. And it mysteriously makes him want go into it. Naked.

Does anyone else see something wrong with this?

And he doesn't even question this.

It's all nice and warm inside this pool of red.

There are also those mysterious magical butterflies, who leave Triscuit in the magical pool of red water.

The prince of Eutracia remained alone in the warm pool. He felt wonderful, except his raging thirst. He had never felt anything like it. It was almost as if the water were begging to be consumed by him. No other need -no hunger, no pain, no pleasure - had in his entire life been this compelling. His breath became ragged and uneven as his body and mind joined in the almost sexual need for the fluid that swirled around him. He looked longingly again at the water.

New sort of Viagra...?

He doesn't have ~~sex~~ drink the water. Instead he gets out of the pool.

Suddenly he gets nervous about being in the cave. No really. All of a sudden he gets nervous about the cave and so he decides to leave. And then he finds a mysterious tunnel, man made this time. He walks in and he's thrown out with a flash and bang.

SOMEONE SHOT HIM YAY!!

He has a comma of hair. He has punctuation for hair. How the hell does that work?

There's a force field across the mysterious man made tunnel.

Yay?

Triscuit goes back upstairs.

And Triscuit's dark hair gets mentioned for the third time. He gets out of the cave, decides not to mention it to anyone and come back after he's king. SOMETHING tells him that he must come back. Yes. SOMETHING. That all mysterious gee I can't think of something realistic to use so I'll just say SOMETHING wants him to come back.

It probably wants him to impregnate the red water.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Earwig is sitting around doing nothing. He has his eyes closed as he thinks about what happened and searches "his mind for Triscuit's presence". I'm not really sure what searching your mind for someone is going to do. Is that like trying to remember them? I mean if he had said, "trying to sense Triscuit with his magical connection to those with endowed blood." *sniggers endowed* then it would make more sense. He senses with his mind that Triscuit's presence "had been altered. Irrevocably. Which meant that something major had happened to Tristan that had changed him in a profound way." He became a woman. But really, "profound way" can we be any more vague or mysterious? The Hero is no longer an ordinary man but how he's changed we don't know. It's just strange and mysterious. That he's a woman.

Earwig is worried. He knows about Hartwick Woods and there is something in there that he doesn't want to think about. "But the old one's mind sheered away from that possibility." Which of course means that is what Triscuit ran into that thing that Earwig wanted not to think about. As he thinks about things he doesn't want to think about he also ogles Sister.

He turned to check on Shailiha as she lay sleeping. Her impending pregnancy did little to disturb her great beauty. Her long, golden blond hair and her tall, exquisite form had come directly from her mother, Queen Morganna. But her hazel eyes, sensuous mouth, and happy, compassionate nature were all her own.

First of all is an impending pregnancy like a preannouncement? Especially if she's already five months pregnant. Did they preannounce the impending pregnancy? Second of all, really old wizards who have known someone since they were born shouldn't be thinking such things about that woman. It's kinda creepy.

Apparently the twins have an "Ultimate Potential" which Earwig can't tell them and he's sad, sad sad about not being able to tell them. Good forbid they know how powerful they are, so they won't accidentally you know, blow something up or something. Something always triggers off powers and things always go boom. Things that wouldn't go boom if they knew how powerful they were and how to control their powers. I'm sorry... wait... how are they supposed to be surprised at how powerful they are and surprise the enemies if they knew how powerful they were?

We learn that there was no written history pre-three hundred years ago and the end of the Sorceresses' War.

Sadly, he reminded himself, there was no written history before their victory in the Sorceresses' War. So little was known about those times. It was only upon the wizard's triumph in that awful conflict that the scribes had been ordered to begin to record public events.

Because people never record history unless they were told to. I mean, no one told the cavemen to paint on the caves to record their history. But of course the Evil Women Sorceresses were preventing people from recording history. And once the Men came into power, civilization happened. Because women just can't do civilization. Only Men can. Women are just too evil to allow civilization. Instead they destroy it.

And we find out that the caves that Triscuit are called "The Caves of Paragon" which is horrifying. I dunno why. He has red stains on his pants from the red water of the Caves. I have absolutely no idea what to say to that... except that they have pads for that. And tampons. He has been changed into a woman. He has, he has, he has.

There's another mention of the azure light around the twins which completely kills any suspense as to who the Chosen Ones are. Oh and Triscuit is glowing blue. He's a shining example of womanhood.

There's a POV shift.

And I'm starting wonder why the sister was even there. She's done nothing. Except to ogle Earwig.

The mysterious red water has made Triscuit hungry for knowledge about magic. Red Bull?

Oh! And we're having one of those misunderstanding conversations. Those are the ones where one person knows something but won't tell the other person, but if they told a lot of problems wouldn't happen later. But this is supposed to cause Tension.

Earwig tells Triscuit about magic. Yay infodump!

Magic is genetic. There are two schools of thought,

Vigors which is the beneficent side of the craft and requires great selflessness and sacrifice. It is the school of magic to which each of the wizards of the Directorate have taken their vows. Simply put, the Vigors teach those facets of the craft that produce charity, kindness, and deeds for others. It is the only type of magic practiced by wizards.

The other side of the craft is called the Vagaries. It is practiced for power and greed, and the depravities of it's execution knows no bounds. It is said that complete mastery of the the vagaries always result in madness. During the war, the sorceresses practiced only the Cagaries, the wizards only the Vigors. ... The Vagaries are the most dangerous of all aspects of the craft - not more powerful than the Vigors, but far more destructive. And destruction was the tool needed by most sorceresses to accomplish their goals."

I was wrong. The previous statement wasn't sexist. THIS is sexist.

Moving on.

We learn that the only difference between wizards and sorceresses are their gender. But it doesn't say that only women can practice the Vagaries and the men Vigors. It sort of implies that though. Finally we get our Dues Ex Machina. No. Really.

The various aspects of the craft are infinite, Tristan. For both the Vigors and the Vagaries. Spells, enchantments, incantations, transformations, potions, divinations, symbols - the list goes on and on. And each thing in nature has its own place in the craft. Thus the study of the craft is infinite and, for those of us with endowed blood, irresistibly compelling.

It slices! It Dices! It even makes Julian fries! As well as making people incredibly horny... again with the endowed blood. Couldn't he have picked a better word than endowed. My mind keeps on going down. And really, it spends enough time in the gutter as it is. It really doesn't need to spend more time down there.

Earwig lies to Triscuit. And there's so much he'd like to tell him too. But he doesn't tell him because.... he has no choice. Information is always better than no information. Ignorance is not bliss. It helps you not do stupid things in the future. Triscuit however is unique and has never been seen before. He's just that special.

Blah, blah, blah. Earwig shows Triscuit a shiny magical ball of light which is magic and Triscuit acts like he's never seen magic before. The Vigors are light and happy, the Vagaries are dark and evil. Once again magic is divided into good and evil, light and dark as opposed to the real world which is made of shades of gray. Life just isn't that easy. And apparently if you try to combine the two you cause a tear in space. EXCEPT for the CHOSEN ONE who is supposed to bring about the joining of the two without causing the End of Life as We Know It.

Women practicing magic had been outlawed but Earwig wants Triscuit to make it so they're not outlawed. This will allow Sister to be trained in magic (Though they don't actually say that) Then Earwig says that the magic does have limits... but they're self imposed pretty much.

In a stunning turn of events, Newcomb has a sucky editor. While talking about women practicing again, Triscuit goes, "Perhaps if the women were to be trained, and I think they should, then as a prerequisite we could ask them also to submit to the death enchantments." A page later he thinks to himself, "Tristan was stunned, his mind full of questions. Death enchantments?"
He knew about the death enchantments a page ago, why not now? So that he could sound good and wise and intelligent. And then he is stupid again so that we can have explained to us. Basically if the wizards do Vagaries they die. Poof.

Triscuit thinks "Deep Thoughts". And then brings up something we never heard of before, the "Paragon". Gee, do you think this blood red stone has anything to do with the menstruation pool in the Paragon Cave? Oh and there's a Paragon Tome. Obviously we need better names.

Cave shall now be known as "The Menstruation Pool."
Stone is now "Blood Clot"
Tome is now "Sex Ed Book"

Back to the blood clot. It apparently is a magical stone that can do something that they don't know what to a person who has endowed blood. But Triscuit is apparently going to be able to use the stone for some reason because he's just that special. The blood clot is only useful with the sex ed book.

Earwig then tests Triscuit by asking him if he knew where the two were found. Which is an idiotic question, because how would Triscuit know where they were found? He doesn't know that the menstruation pools are called the Paragon Caves why would he make the connection? But somehow Earwig expects him to make such a connection. Triscuit says no he doesn't know where they were found, which is true. Of course it's obvious to us because of the over use of the word Paragon.

Suddenly the sister is remembered (why was she here again?) and they decide to go.

Remember how Earwig was dropping that powder and I said it was a trail like for Hansel and Gretal? I was right.

The chapter ends with this lovely exchange:

Tristan was stunned. Looking into the old one's eyes, he whispered, "Wigg, how is such a thing possible?"

Wigg gazed calmly at Tristan and Shailiha.

"I thought by now you both knew," he said, raising the familiar eyebrow. "It's magic."

I hate that "it's magic." It's magic is NOT a proper excuse for something. Explain it and stop acting all mysterious about it. No on cares.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

As much as I'm loathed to admit, I believe the impossible has happened. I've found a book worse than Eragon. Isn't that a sign of the apocalypse? Could someone check on that for me?

We meet She. She is riding in a coach for over six days. She hates traveling with out her chef or maid servants because it's common. But She's traveling in an ornate coach with six black stallions. What sort of fucking moron travels drawn with six stallions? They get anywhere near a mare and there's going to be one less coach. And one less She in the coach.

She gives us a Dire Proclamation #4 Soon I will never again travel to kneel before anyone. They will travel to kneel before me.

And then a Natasha of the House of Minaar, duchess of the province of Ephyra shows up. I don't know where She went. However our Duchess hasn't worn a pentangle in over three hundred years. GASP I think our EVIL missing Sorceress just showed up. It takes Newcomb two pages to tell us that she's a sorceress. He tries to be clever by giving us blatant hints as to her identity. I mean she muses about her hair and sex life before she starts to even think about her powers. She also contemplates how much she hates everything. And then there are Typical Thoughts Of Revenge.

We get a musing of her past. Apparently she too is Just That Special. At the age of five she could read from the Book of Sex Ed when no one else could. She was the first one to do it. And all the wizards were amazed and pushed her out of the way and she was sad. And her father was a bastard apparently. Because he was a guy. Some pretty ladies came by and took her away and she was happy because she was five and mad at her father so that would show them! It actually says pretty ladies. Blah, training, blah hiding. Blah those Sorceresses that were sent in Exile didn't die. Blah wait for the Chosen Ones. Revenge. Destruction. Hatred of all men. Blah.

Switch to Triscuit! For some reason he's just sitting around in his red stained pants and not going up to his rooms and changing. There is no reason given for this. He just is. I hate "He just is". No one does that. It's like the whole Evil thing. Why are they evil? They just are. I mean, if it was something like a potted plant on your head, people would want a reason for it besides, "I just do". Triscuit Obviously doesn't want to be there, but he's still there. Why? He just is.

Apparently it's so that he can meet up with Natasha. Conveniently meet her. In a totally random way. Yes. Triscuit was just randomly sitting there for no apparent reason so that he could randomly meet up with Natasha. Yup.It's all random. Not at all contrived by the author. Nope. Triscuit was just sitting there and Natasha just happened to walk by where Triscuit was sitting for no apparent reason in his dirty clothes that he wanted to change.

Oh apparently he's sitting around waiting to be called by the wizards' council. We just weren't told that three pages ago. ANYWAY. Natasha and Triscuit talk.

He had never liked this woman, despite the fact that since her marriage to Duke Baldric Duke Baldric? O.o she had somehow become a good friend of his mother's. He reminded himself of the fact that she was obviously much closer to his own age than to that of her husband, and also of the reputation she had slowly garnered since her marriage. It had been whispered in political circles for years that she had taken many lovers, but she was nonetheless received courteously at court due to the importance of the province of Ephyra to the nation as a whole. His mother apparently either did not know of the woman's indiscretions or chose to be gracious enough to ignore them.

Because, you know, no one ever cheats on their spouse, especially in the nobby nob circles. And really, isn't he just as bad as her for taking all those lovers and not staying with just one.

Oh and did you notice, He doesn't like her for SOME reason? Even though EVERYONE else does? Ten bucks says that some time later he'll go, "He knew he shouldn't have trusted her" or something to that effect. He has the Special Sue Sense that lets him pick out EVIL when no one else can. It allows him to be self righteous later in the book and tell everyone, "I told you so! Why didn't you listen to me?"

Apparently while it's bad for Natasha to have many lovers, it's okay for Triscuit to have a flirtation with a married woman. Double standard much?

She smiled with her eyes over the fan as it continued its seductive path back and forth. Had this woman been anyone else the prince might have been intrigued and only too glad to join her in the beginnings of a flirtation, despite the fact that she was married. But not with her. And not tonight.

And then his brother in law gives him this piece of wisdom: A wink from a pretty girl at a party doesn't always result in climax, but only a fool won't take the opportunity to find out." Oh good encourage Mr. Horny Pants who everyone wants to settle down to screw every pretty girl he meets. That'll work really well.

So Woman having Multiple lovers = bad. But men having multiple lovers (even if they're married women) = good. This sounds like a guy's sex fantasy to me. But then again... we knew that from the beginning, didn't we?

Fredrick (the brother-in-law who apparently trained Triscuit as a child, which is kinda ew since he's married to the twin sister) and Triscuit go for a walk. Tristcuit gives the "Sometimes I wish I could just be normal and not a prince" speech that every Rebellious Elrond's second daughter doe.. I mean um... every rebellious prince gives.

Then for no particular reason, Fredrick and Triscuit wrestle. Or beat each other up. I'm not really sure. I think it's supposed to be male bonding. But it's rather pointless. Fredrick tries to jump on top of him. That's the actual phrasing. The contractor guy wanted to jump my mother...and not in a mud wrestling way. I wonder if cheating with other men is okay in this world.

Fredrick walks away after their little tryst and Triscuit has to think for some reason, "A good man and the father of Shailiha's unborn child." Was there any doubt about this? Does Sister have a born child who isn't fathered by Fredrick? What was the point of that statement?

And finally Triscuit goes back and sits where he started. And I'm not really sure what that interlude accomplished. We learned that Triscuit doesn't trust Natasha, but that could have been told to us in a different way and that he's having man sex with his brother in law. Which I guess is okay... but um... doesn't really progress the plot along.

So, yes. That's chapter three.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Chapter Four.

Despite the fact that Triscuit completely ran away from his duties and classes and spent the day chasing magical butterflies, Earwig feels like he has no right to be upset at him. Despite the fact that Triscuit royally screwed up, Earwig doesn't feel like he has the right to be angry at him. This, ladies and gentlemen is another hallmark of the Sue, when they can get away with things because of... whatever reason and it's just not their fault. Also Earwig instinctively (that's the word there) knows that Triscuit found the menstruation pools by accident. As opposed to logically reasoning it out. It's MAAAAGIC! *finger waggle* While he knows that Triscuit found them by accident, he doesn't know how he found them. By accident maybe?

So, Earwig is in council with the king and other five wizards. He is glad to see that the king still is wearing the blood clot (which apparently he can only take off to give it to the next king, so... it's a sort of silly thing to think. Unless Newcomb wanted to remind us of it's existence.) Earwig recounts the day's events. AAAANNNND we get another As You Know Bob.

"In addition, I know that all of you, including our king, are aware of the recent disappearances of a number of the lesser rural wizards over the last several months.

As You Know Bob, I believe that's number three of our As You Know Bobs.

Earwig tells the council and King that he knows that Triscuit entered the pools of Paragon. That is such a stupid name. His blood is changed he's glowing like a light bulb, his pants were stained from his first period. As You Know Bob this has never happened before. (AYKB #4) But it's not Triscut's fault and we must remember this, even though he ran off like a spoiled brat and followed magical butterflies. If he was better behaved and knew his responsibilities this would have never happened. Wait... sorry using logic again. My bad.

Apparently if people knew about the whole glowworm thingy they'd panic. Nooooot exactly sure why, but they would. But no one can see the glow so except Earwig, not even Triscuit can see it so it doesn't matter really does it? If other people could see it then there might be a problem but now it's just this thing, you know? That's supposed to be all strange and mysterious thing, you know? But if no one can see it there's no real point. They don't have to worry about other people finding out about it and spreading a panic.

Still this is not a Good Thing and apparently one of the effects of the blood pools is the desire for magical knowledge. As one of the wizards asks, "Does the hunger burn as bright in his eyes as the Tome foretells?"

I'm not really sure how you would tell that? Noo... I think it's lust... maybe amusement? Fire? Well it's something all right. Perhaps we should just ask him if he suddenly has the desire to learn magic. What? But the Tome says we can tell by the burning in his eyes! Does that mean he's got pink eye. I had that once. Had to use eye drops and everything.

I'm sorry... where was I?

Right! So, Burning eyes which apparently since the way he was born is a bad thing. So... the water made him less retarded? Oh an apparently it may make him completely unmanageable. The prince who acts like a nineteen year old brat might become unmanageable? God forbid!

They decided to bring Triscuit in. Triscuit glumly accepted his fate. That's the second time he's done that. Why doesn't he embrace it? I don't know. It's not like being sold to the salt mines or anything. (Though I wish he would be, then he might actually I dunno... be useful.) Blah, blah, they go through a magic/secret passage way. Blah there's an elevator (gravitating chamber) isn't that clever? Blah they're in a secret chamber.

Magical Secret Chambers! "The crossroads of the Redoubt of the Directorate". It's basically Hogwarts. But without the Witches. All the wizards are secretly sent out to do good deeds. Yes, it actually says that. Oh, and they're all give tattoos so that they can recognize each other without magic.

There are little kids there, boys of course, getting trained. As Earwig says, "The bond between a wizard and his child is a particularly strong one, and it is not uncommon for the son of a wizard to wish to travel with his father, rather than be left behind at home with his mother." And normal kids don't want to do that either? Do normal boys in this world want to sit around and spin? The little kids have already even taken those vows of do the Vigors or die thing. Because little kids really know what that means. This is CULT INDOCTRINATION HERE! THEY'RE BRAINWASHING THE KIDS!! They don't even give them a chance to say, "No, I don't want to be a wizard".

Apparently the entire point of this little walk through was so Earwig could think that Sister's kid is going to be an amazing wizard. He's just that special.

Okay and they're at the council and absolutely NOTHING of importance happens. Triscuit demands answers and they say "we're sorry we can't give them to you." Oh and one of Triscuit's tears "sadly fell to scatter like broken crystal upon the marble floor". They also forbid Triscuit to go to the caves again. Which he'll do anyway.

Family is called in. They guilt trip Triscuit into deciding to be king.

"The stone is meant to be worn by a man. One who is, indeed, man enough to honor it with his courage and his resolve."

Why is Mom talking to him like he's nineteen?

"But please, Mother, also understand that I know I have much to learn"

What has he been doing the past twenty nine years? Sitting around with a thumb up his ass?

Oh wait... no. He's had other things up his ass.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

I think a little piece of my soul died reading this.

Wait, that would require me to actually have a soul. Never mind.

She turns up again. She is all over the place isn't she? She is now the second mistresses of the Coven. She is making designs on her slave's back with a whip and She is very unhappy because he couldn't get it up. In fact he mocked her. Which made Succiu (who replaces She) go from angry to hysterical. Generally speaking those two emotions don't lead into each other. And I would think she would go from angry to furious, or murderess. Instead of hysterical. I'm wondering if slave boy is gay, since he couldn't get it up. In any case, slave boy passes out. Sushi has a pet dwarf on a chain. Which she sends over to check on slave boy. And then has him woken up.

We learn that there are Stables of sex slaves and that Sushi was hoping that this particular slave (Stefan) would satisfy her rather exotic tastes. He says that he will never service her, again reinforcing my idea that Stefan is gay. There is "banter" where there is talk about laying atop of her and calling her a repulsive whore. Oh and that he will be rescued by the other people out there that aren't slaves. She whips him some more and "the rapture she felt in her blood and her loins as she punished the slave drove her on even harder".

I've never felt rapture in my blood... I've never felt anything in my blood. If I feel rapture in my blood does that mean it's going to vanish and leave me a lifeless husk?

I think that would hurt.

Would it even happen, I mean, I'm Jewish. We don't do rapture.

Maybe that's why I never felt rapture in my blood.

So, blood rapture, orgasm slave falls unconscious, design on his back another Pentangle (once again to remind us that she's EVIL) rubbing salt into the wounds, while reminding us twice in the same paragraph that this is "The slave named Stefan" with that exact wording. Whatever that editor was on, I want some. Badly. It might make this book make sense.

There's no endowed blood in this land which means they can't make babies. Which means they can't make the special girl child of endowed blood, which I bet is going to be Sister.

We learn how evil the Coven is. They created a Ghetto (called the Ghetto of the Shunned. SHUUUN! SHUUUN!! SHUNNNNNNN!! Okay, I'll stop now.) where they locked up all the undesirables in their new land, "The crippled, the sick, the retarded, the criminal, and everyone else that the Coven deemed simply undesirable..." Yes. That is Evil. Evil. Evil. There are other words too, but Evil is the only one I'm allowed to use.

Sushi liked to walk around the Ghetto of the SHUUUUUUUNED where she found her pet dwarf. It's not at all interesting. And I'm not really sure why I need to know this. It's just taking up space.

Anyway, all four of the not dead because they were exiled Sorceresses of Evil meet. The leader says to "Please bring in Commander Kluge" who once being called in we learn that Commander Kluge's name is Kluge. Apparently you're not allowed to wear black unless you get special permission. I'm not really sure why. There is no explanation. He is the commander of the Minion's of Day and Night. Minions. Who actually names their army with the word "minion". That's something that... Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers would call someone. It's a joke. I can't take that seriously. Oh and Kluge has Xena's Chakram or "the returning wheel". It has blades on it. He has wings too.

Early on it had become obvious to the Coven that trying to conscript and train an army of the male weaklings of this strange land would be impossible. And so they had decided to use a different method to ensure themselves of warriors who would someday be worthy of their plans.

They would breed them.

Cue description of breeding program here.

1. Handpick people for breeding.
2. Constant Sex. While being watched. (kinky)
3. Magical elimination of inbreeding problem.
4. Magical modification of aging for more breeding time.
5. Females turned into brood mares.
6. Undesirables killed.

Check.

Infodump about army. With our sixth As You Know Bob. It goes on for two pages.

Blah, lead sorceress flashes back to how she learned about the powerful Vagaries and made her oh so powerful when,

"Surprisingly, the acute, unfulfilled desires had come. One day, while struggling to understand one of the more arcane passages of the Vagaries, she and the others had all felt the unexpected stirring of their loins. (I'm sorry, but stirring in their loins? Are their loins soup pots?) The hugely sexual, needful longings had been intensified by an insanely irresistible desire to inflict those same sexual needs on others.

Of both genders.

And we've reached lesbian sex ladies and gentlemen! There is no turning back now! Abandon all hope ye who enter here! Abandon ship!

After that delightful interlude we go back to infodumping about the army. And a seventh As You Know Bob.

Kluge asks what they seek.

They seek a chalice (the HOLY GRAIL! OH NO DAN BROWN WROTE THIS BOOK) a woman (again, not helping with the Dan Brown vibes) and a shiny gemstone.

Kluge is not happy. He doesn't realize the importance of these thingies.

Two of the Sorceresses get horny while watching Kluge.

There is a magic show. With bondage! It takes two pages of description to get to the point of the magic show. Basically we get to see Triscuit and his family. Triscuit is deemed unimportant and utterly killable. (Of course) And it's Sister they want.

And there's more infodumping. And it just keeps on going and my brain has turned to mulch and I just can't think of anything funny or snarky to say about it.

So, have some Hanuka ham instead.

And then it's over. It's a thirty four odd paged infodump where they discuss their plans in great detail. THIRTY FOUR PAGES! of THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO AND HOW WE PLAN TO DO IT!! THIRTY FOUR!!

There are NO words for this. NONE!

Thirty four pages and the occasional interludes of horny women of infodumping.

the_norseman ? I hate you with ever burning blood cell of my being. HATE.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

I good news, I have three new books to read (five if you count the his Dark Materials anthology I got as three). The bad news is... I'm picking up the Book From Hell again to read. Why?

Okay, so remember how I said that they were going to try and turn the Sister evil? There's a prophecy at the beginning of chapter six.

The Chosen One shall come, preceded by another. And the knowledge that he seeks he shall one day demand of the one who recovers the stone. And those of the Pentagnle, the ones who practice the Vagaries, shall require the female of the Chosen Ones, and shall bend her to their purpose.

Gee. Who didn't see that one coming? There goes any suspense whatsoever.

Triscuit wakes up in bed with Her. Her ass is pressed up against his groin. He was drunk and apparently did her. Lovely chap Triscuit is. He appears to be more concerned about the type of wine he drinks than her. He thinks that if he didn't have to become King he'd happily drink bad wine. I thought he had accept the responsibility of becoming king. And yet he's still whining about it. Her vanishes and is replaced by Evelyn of the house of Norcross. Her parents apparently dumped her with the Prince.

She had come to his quarters very willingly, as women always did, and they had laughingly fallen into each other's arms, almost immediately. Twice more in the night she had reached out for him, and he had obeyed. But as usual, for him it had not been love.

You're having drunken sex with some random chick you just met. Of course it's not love. It's at most, lust. Oh wait.

No.

The dingbat actually seems to believe in the whole true love at first sight shit. I can just see him now singing "True Love's Kiss" From Enchanted when he sees his Designated True Love. (Good movie by the way.) But him singing it would be a disgrace. He's probably be naked. With his sword all erect by his endowed blood. And his True Love will be lying on a bed with her legs spread.

Apparently "Groin" is our euphemism for Penis. Because Evelyn reaches for his groin when she wants sex again.

And our next scene is Triscuit with Fredrick and hitting each other with swords. A note about Fredrick, which I don't think I've clarified before. Fredrick is the same age as Triscuit, but Fredrick some how taught Triscuit everything he knows about fighting. I'm beginning to think that, yes, Triscuit was originally a lot younger than he is now. Fredrick manages to trick Triscuit with the old, "There's something scary behind you trick" which apparently he's never done before and win the fight. I'm surprised it's never been used on him before.

We learn that Triscuit screwed one of his Nannies. The fact that he had a nanny when he was old enough to screw someone is kind of depressing. It only reinforces the fact that Triscuit is childish and immature. Better to have said the chambermaid or something like that. Which is something at least more mature than a nanny.

Blah, Triscuit continues to whine about having to become king.

And then! A harpy shows up! It's very big with feathers about two to three meters long. It screams a lot. It stands on the wall and screams a lot and no one bothers to shoot it. They just stare at it until it grabs one of the guards and eats him. Then and ONLY then does Triscuit run and get a longbow. He shoots at it several times and the arrows don't penetrate. So, what does he do? He walks CLOSER to it and hurls a dirk into its eye. Why he couldn't shoot the thing in the eye which would have been MUCH more effective, I don't know. He just does. Unfortunately before the Harpy can eat him, Earwig shows up.

Earwig shows up and squishes it in a magic blue box. That isn't the TARDIS. It is, instead a "Wizard's Warp" which Triscuit somehow knows what it is. Which is a magical force shield that can do shit. The Harpy is called a "Screaming Harpy". Screaming is what Harpies do. Why then does it need to be called a Screaming Harpy, I don't know. Maybe there are singing harpies? Purring Harpies? Tap dancing Harpies?

Moving on. The Harpies used to nest near the Square piece of grass is. They didn't used to have the faces of women nor were they vicious before the EVIL sorceress got their hands on them.

The we get this lovely piece of drivel. It's Earwig talking to Triscuit after mentioning that he's quite proficient with his little throwing knives.

"...But let me give you a word of advice about taking a life, even a life as disgusting as the thing that is now trapped in my warp. Every time you use your dirks, or sword, or bow to take a life, try to think not of whom or what you are killing, but rather whom or what you are allowing to live. It will help with the eventual guilt that all those of our blood must deal with afterward. Endowed blood isn't just a gift; it's a responsibility. And sometimes it weighs heavily indeed."

Instinctively, Tristan knew that the old one was right. He always was. But more than that, the prince also had begun to feel that taking any life, even in self-defense and when apparently absolutely necessary, was not always the correct way to resolve conflict. Perhaps that was one of the reasons for his hunger to learn the craft. A short part of the wizard's vows now came back to him. Take no life except in urgent defense or self and others, or without fair warning. He thought perhaps he was beginning to understand.

Random Villager: Hey! You just killed all those innocent people!

Wizard: I gave them a fair warning and I allowed you to live, so it's okay!

There's something seriously wrong there. I just know it. And he just gave Triscuit the right to kill whoever he wants. Lovely. There goes any sort of moral quandary Triscuit could have. Joy. And then Triscuit gets to go have tea with mommy. He doesn't like having tea with mommy.

Triscuit has tea with mommy. Mommy loves him the best and thinks that he's become more mature and commanding since he took a bath in the red water. I really haven't seen that. But since the author says so, it must be so! Sister is there too. She knows that her baby is a girl and that it'll have blond hair and green eyes. She just knows this.

Mother talks to Triscuit about his adventures with the girl from the beginning of the chapter. And just says that she won't tell anyone. I don't think it's a big secret that Triscuit will jump anyone who lets him. In fact that seems to be one of his big problems. But "They were women and could better understand the effects he had on so many of the young ladies in the realm". So now his MOM wants him! His mother! He's so damn hot even his mother wants him!

This.

Is.

Not.

NORMAL!

Mr. Newcomb, I'm here to inform you that if mothers are attracted to their children this is considered a bad thing. It's like Hanuka Ham for a religious Jew. Ham and Hanuka do not mix. Jews and Ham do not mix. If you mix the two of them together you have something WRONG. Continuing to insist that this is a good thing will lead you to getting beat. Or me sending this to you in the mail.

Actually, I think I will anyway.

Moving on!

Mother gives him a shiny and he starts to cry. This is because he's a deep and sensitive man. It is a shiny that the Royal Guard wear. He's been made into an honorary Royal Gaurd. Awwww...

Bored now.

Oh and there's a second Single Tear. This time it falls down mommy's cheek.

Then the Wizards all meet. They have to show off their tattoo and some bit of magic to prove that they're really wizards. Earwig tells them that they have to go and kill Harpies and Blood Stalkers but he doesn't tell them why they've returned. Which will hamper any efforts they make or prevent them from finding valuable information. But of course, Earwig has no choice in not telling them. Though he never says why. He just does.

I'm about a third of the way through the book. Rejoice my pigeons! Rejoice!

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Right. So, third of the way through. No thing's happened yet. Triscuit is still being kept in the dark because there are somethings he Just Can't Know. Even if it would be extremely helpful for him to know. I'm kind of reminded of Lyra in His Dark Materials (which I'm reading right now) in that she has to be kept in the dark about her being the "One". But they do it so that she can make her own choices. For better or for worse. And she's not the type that just sits around whining about things, instead she goes out and actively does them. It's not important for her to know about being the Chosen one or not; she does these things because she wants answers. Triscuit doesn't get answers and he cries. A single tear. I have more confidence in the kid.

Kluge is getting turned on by She. Minions (That is such a stupid name for a race you've created) apparently have a hot spot at the top of their wings. She is replaced by a naked Sushi who watches "his sexual excitement come to fruition".

I'm not really sure what exactly that means.

I'm not really sure I want to know.

I have ideas, but I'd rather not think about them.

One of them involves little apple trees.

Now that he's successfully sprouted. We turn to business, but not before learning that Kluge is in love with her and As You Know Bob (#6?) Sushi shouldn't be having sex with the minion because the only time a Minion should have sex is for reproductive purposes. It actually says that. And yet these Minions have human level intelligence and don't seem to have any enchantments on them at all for obedience. They seem to be happy though their only purpose in life is to fuck and fight... well, maybe that is a good life.

Massive infodump about Plans. Three and a half pages. As opposed to just showing us what they're doing as they're doing it. Sushi tells us. In annoying detail. I shan't bother to recount it. It's stupid.

Blah, lots of dead people (forty) mysterious thing that has to happen on the sea of Whispers. Random babbling filling pages. Kluge angsts about not being able to be loved by Sushi. It gets foggy. It's magical fog. That has body. It uses body defying shampoo. The fog turns into arms and lifts the ship up. There are faces in the water, kinda like in the Lord of the Rings with the Dead Marshes. They are"The Eaters of the Dead!" Wasn't that in Ender's Game? Blah. They dump bodies over board and get free passage and don't die horribly.

Meanwhile, we go back to Triscuit's daddy (who also rides a Stallion) and Earwig who are out for a ride. Daddy suddenly doesn't trust his secure meeting room... for some reason so they're out in the middle of the open where they can get attacked. In an entirely pointless conversation Daddy says he's worried even though he's read the report that the Coven probably dead and even if they weren't they wouldn't have been able to make it back. MmmHhhmmm He wants to move the abdication ceremony some safe. But while Earwig and the others agree with this idea apparently they would need to move the entire Royal Guard. Why do they need the entire Royal guard? So that way they can't leave the palace and the Evil Women can attack as planned.

And now I'm falling asleep.

G'night.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

So, more work news stuff. Apparently a guy the Boss Man hired came to work yesterday for three hours. Today he quit without even coming in.

Bad things.

Bad book we are back with.

( Apparently these are getting too long. )

kippurbird.livejournal.com

So, Triscuit wakes up and thinks that it's all a dream. But it's not. And he angsts. "It was real! he thought, the torment of it tearing through his heart and head." Personally I would have used "soul" instead of head. Head is where the logical processes go on and torment doesn't usually happen there.

But what do I know?

I just have a Master's in English Literature while this guy has a B.A. in Economics.

Which actually kinda explains a lot.

( capslock of rage ahead )

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Okay... I'm getting just gibberish here. I'm trying to figure it all out so that it'll be comprehensible.

( It doesn't really work )

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Has anyone seen YAAFM? They're hilarious. Newcomb deserves to be on one.

*happy fantasies*

( I've found it! )

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Today has been productive. I finished reading two books, almost done with a painting and finished my second novel.

Obviously this needs to stop.

Hey. We're about half way through!

And nothing has happened!

Except for DEATH and DEATH and more DEATH.

( dribble )

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Soo...

They escape. Triscuit steals a horse for the DLI to ride, because ... he just does. DLI is a good rider and she's riding a mare that's almost as fast as Pilgrim. Of course. She and Triscuit talk for a long time and we get her sob story.

For her part, Lillith explained that she was the daughter of one of the tax collectors of the outer reaches of Tammerland, and that it was in that way her father, Agamedes of the House of Alvin, had known the king. She was a school teacher, as her late mother had been, and enjoyed her time with the children, especially the younger ones. Her brother, Chauncey, had been a lieutenant in the Royal guard. Their home had been burned to the ground by the terrible creatures with wings, and when she had seen the bodies of her father and brother she had panicked, gathering up all her money and setting out on her horse for the north, just as so many others had done. The innkeeper had stolen all of her money and sold her horse the first day.

She then cries in Triscuit's arms. "At the end of her tale, she broke into tears,and Tristan held her for a long time in the moonlight, knowing that despite how much she attracted him, they would have to part company on the day after tomorrow..."

This, of course, will not happen.

But, back to her sob story. School teacher? That doesn't seem right at all. I don't think they would even have schools. (I mean they don't even have a culture or a religion. XD) Besides she's a minor noble. She should have been married with sprogs of her own. Not running around with kids of various ages. Also unlikely that her mother would have been a teacher or know how to read. They're supposed to sit around and embroider or things like that. Or have kids. Not teach, unless they were poor. BUT since she likes kids, obviously this makes her sympathtic and a good potential mommy/queen.

I bet she has endowed blood too.

Get ready to gag.

Buckets at hand?

"Despite the short time in which he had known Lillith, he already knew in his heart that he would miss her. She was beautiful, intelligent, and kind, and she had a rare sort of quiet bravery."

I shall wait for you to finish before moving on.

It gets... worse? They haven't told her who they are. Instead they've said that they're a black smith and apprentice. And so Triscuit is amazed that he likes her for himself and not because he's a prince. (I wouldn't like him either way) She gives him a kiss on the cheek and he tries to sort out his feelings for her.

Triscuit: Lust? Lusty lust? Just fucking lusty? I should just do her already...

Blah, blah, They travel.

Earwig gives her money to go off by herself because she can't come with them to the Not Invisible invisible wood the next day. That night Triscuit kisses her. They go off swimming naked in a pool of water. And then... then.... we get this:

"I want you to be my first," she said, lowering her eyes as if in shame. With her face still lowered, she said, "You are handsome and strong, and I know in my heart that you will not hurt me. Please be my first, Tristan, and give me something to remember you by always."

But it doesn't matter. Lillith is really Natasha. Remember her? Oh Wait! Irony! Lillith! It's like Lilith! Newcomb is being CLEVER! Everyone laugh!

She rapes him because she wants his baby. But before he climaxes Earwig strangles her with magic and he kills her.

Triscuit is sad because he thought she was going to be the One.

I'm going to go over here and gag.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Now that we've gotten away from the Triscuit and his um lack of caring about being raped and back to sister.

We're getting weird time discrepancies. It's now at least two weeks later for the sister. She's a happy little brainwashed puppy living in the lap of luxury. She angsts about not being able to remember what happened to her. It goes on about how she can't remember anything but flashes of people and she believes her "sisters" when they tell her that they're just flashes of her imagination. She then finds her self in some sort of room with lots of rats. I think it might be a dream. But she's understandably hysterical.

Back to the Evil Sorceresses Sushi is yelling at the others about how the fact that they woke up the blood stalkers and harpies let Earwig and Triscuit escape since they had prior warning that Something Was Up. Failee (the lead Evil Sorceress) says they have nothing to worry about, because Earwig and Triscuit will never get past the gnomes and even if they do find the wizard in the Shadowood he's all crippled and can't go anywhere and she'll just kill him anyway. And finally, they have no idea how to cross the sea of whispers.

The other three sisters are in AWE of her brilliance and power.

I think that's a lot of things that could go horribly wrong. And he's the Chosen One, there are prophecies about him. They really need to mount a better offensive that well he can't figure out how to cross the sea. I mean they figured it out, so why couldn't he and Earwig?

Apparently to continue to break Sister they're giving her real fake nightmares. They're putting her in nightmarish situations and then convincing her that it was a nightmare... as punishment for thinking about her real memories... It's really very complicated... and I just.... it's stupid. It seems like an awful lot of trouble when they could just give her a real nightmare. BUT it kills three pages telling us this. And they convince Sister that her real fake nightmares were real nightmares and she'll do whatever they tell her to do.

Um random chapter with the dwarf going into the Ghetto of the Damned and sending out a pigeon to the Wizard in the Woods. Which is really all that happens. I think Newcomb is trying to make Dwarf sympathetic... but I don't really care.

And that's all I'm doing for tonight. We go back to Triscuit tomorrow.

kippurbird.livejournal.com

Strange but true. My dad eats mustard raw. I mean without putting it on anything. He does that with BBQ sauce too.

My brother and I are not allowed to do it though.

Now that I have completely gone off on a tangent from who knows where, we're back with Triscuit and Earwig. Earwig is trying to get Triscuit to see the thing that isn't really invisible, but Triscuit can't see. Even thought it's not really invisible. How does that work again? It seems that the way to see is to relax your eyes or something like those Magic Eye thingies. I always liked them. I was good at them. Easy for me to do. I had one in my room of dinosaurs. Those were cool. They should bring them back. Those and Hypercolor T-shirts. Ahh... the late eighties and early nineties such nifty things.

Whoops. Sorry digressing.

Triscuit is still upset about the whole Lillith not being his true love thing. Not the fact that he had been raped mind you, but the fact that she wasn't real. I'm starting to think that Triscuit probably assumes that every women wants to jump him, so it doesn't matter who or what they are or how they do it, it's just how women are. Birds fly and women want to have sex with him. Egotistical bastard.

Earwig keeps on telling him, "heed your blood, not your eyes... don't fight to see the image, but let it simply come to you, instead. Look for it with your heart. And listen to your blood."

Totally Magic Eye shit going on here. Total.

Some boring shit and then Earwig makes him close his eyes and then for some reason when he opens them he can see the canyon. "And he could feel the presence of the endowed blood in his veins with new vigor, almost as if for the first time." Um... that's not a good thing, being able to feel your own blood. High blood pressure maybe?

We finally see a gnome! They're red necks.

He was only about as high as the prince's waist, perhaps even somewhat shorter, but other wise he seemed mostly human. He had red hair shot through with gray, and a scruffy, identically colored beard covered his face. The dark, beady eyes sat above a rather large, turned-up nose. He wore blue bibs over a bright red shirt, scruffy knee boots with upturned ends, and a strange lopsided black cap that dangled down to one side.

From seemingly nowhere the gnome produced a chair and an oversized jug of ale. He sat in the chair and took a long draught of the ale, and then proceeded to light the corncob pipe that Triscuit now noticed sticking out from between his teeth.

Garden gnome red necks.

Just dwell on that for a while.

Also the gnome is named "Shannon the Small"

Is this like the Mac Nac Feegles naming conventions? Is there a Shannon the Medium? Shannon the Large? Shannon the not as Large as Shannon the Large but Larger than Shannon the Medium? I mean really, who actually calls them self "Small" if you belong to a race of short people? This is like those guys who wrote the Tomes where they called themselves "The Ones Who Came Before".

Oh! And there's a Time Discrepancy. In the beginning of the chapter we're told it had been several weeks since the Natasha incident, but then we're told that it's only been a few days. Now, as I'm fairly certain they haven't been to Fairy Land, this time discrepancy is what we call "Bad Editing" and "Lazy Writing". Can you say that? I'm sure you can.

Triscuit doesn't see why they need permission from a "unendowed" gnome to cross a damn bridge (as opposed to what? An endowed gnome? Perhaps that's why he's Shannon the Small. He's not endowed.) so he starts to cross it with out permission. Shannon bites him in the leg.

This is how the gnomes protect the entrance to the valley that isn't invisible. They bite people in the leg like dogs. Surely if the gnomes are intelligent (they wear clothes and everything) they would have a better way of protecting the bridge than by biting people. I mean, if you want a guardian that bites people, get a magical dog or something. Not a gnome that Triscuit easily defeats by knocking out. To get the gnome's permission to cross the bridge (if they don't give it Faegan will know they're here and can go into hiding) Triscuit dangles him over the bridge and forces him to give them permission to cross.

When Shannon asks Triscuit if the Prince would really have killed him, Triscuit says it depends, but in his heart he knew he could have never killed one so small. Because size really matters when it comes to things being deadly or not. As they're getting ready to leave Shannon APOLOGIZES for biting Triscuit in the leg, saying that he didn't know what else to do. He's APOLOGIZING for doing his job. Yes. He's the guardian of the bridge and he's APOLOGIZING for guarding the bridge.

Think about that one for a while.

Have you picked up your brains from the floor? Mopped up everything? Shannon wants to come with Triscuit and Earwig to take them to Faegan. Who I would refer to as Fagot, but that's just in bad taste. Right. So they let him come with. As they ride they discover a massacre of gnomes. Lots of dead gnomes all over the place. Shannon wished to by pass it, but Triscuit ignored him. Then they don't get why Shannon doesn't want to talk about it.

I feel stupider now.

Profile

Kippur Critiques Bad Books

January 2016

S	M	T	W	T	F	S
					1	2
3	4	5	6	7	8	9
10	11	12	13	14	15	16
17	18	19	20	21	22	23
24	25	26	27	28	29	30
31

Syndicate

Page Summary

Style Credit

Style: Neutral Good for Practicality by timeasmymeasure

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags

Page generated Jul. 11th, 2025 06:36 am

Kippur Critiques

A close look a bad literature

Entries tagged with the fifth sorceress

Kippur was obviously bored today

A new sporking begins! =D MWAHAHAHHAAAA! FEAR!!!!

I see butterflies and a horse that thinks it's a dog...

Incest! And single tears!

Drinking game! Stupid reviews!

The Red Waters Flow

Vaguries of magic

The EVIL sorceress returns.

in which nothing happens

infdump

Screaming Harpies... and tap dancing ones too.

Znnnkkk...

Blood Bath!

And it gets even stupider. No, Really. It does.

Jello... blobs...?

Robert Newcomb you are a fucking moron

Guess what? It gets stupider!

sighs It's horrible, horrible, horrible.

a short interlude

GNOMES!

Profile

January 2016

Syndicate

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags